When an Offender Dies:
Lessons from the Julie Valentine Center CAC and Clinical Director
Most victims are abused by someone that they know, love, and trust. This is often someone who is known, loved, and trusted by the victim’s family and their community. When an offender dies, particularly if that death is sudden and unexpected, it is devastating and incomprehensible to loved ones and to those they leave behind. For victims and the parents of victims, the offender’s death stirs up other equally complex emotions: anger, sadness, injustice, relief, and often all of these feelings at the same time. This is extremely difficult. Some people will grieve, and some will celebrate the offender’s life. Some will react with anger at victims who came forward and tell them that “this is not the time to tell your story” or encourage victim’s families to stay silent because to tell the truth will hurt the offender’s family. The truth is that the offender is responsible for all of this hurt. Another truth: many victims who haven’t told will stay silent because of his death.
I was 13 when the man who had been sexually abusing me was murdered. I remember the shock and the complex emotions and thoughts upon learning of his death. I was sad, relieved, guilty for feeling relieved, and because he still had so much power over me, I remember thinking that somehow, I was responsible for him being murdered. In my child mind, I thought he was murdered out of some Godly vengeance, or karmic justice, punishment for what he did to me. Because he had done such a thorough job grooming me for his abuse, I thought that the abuse was my fault too. I thought if I hadn’t existed, he never would have done that. When he was abusing me, he would reiterate my responsibility. He told me I was special; I was the only one he did that with, no one would understand “what we have is love”. As a child, and it’s hard to explain this kind of confusion in words, but the best way I can explain it is that part of me believed this and part of me knew this was a lie. As an adult I understand that this was just a part of his manipulation to keep me quiet and to ensure he could continue the abuse.
My father picked me up from school on a cold January afternoon to tell me he had been murdered the day before. I remember it was David Bowie’s birthday, my favorite singer; yet another happy occasion that he stole from me. My Dad shared the news in a supportive and child-friendly way, he was gentle and answered my questions. My Dad knew how much I cared for him, how he went out of his way to play with me and spend time with me, how much I adored him. He had no idea that he had been molesting me since I was 9.
That night I decided to make a keepsake box, filled with treasured memories of the person who abused me, small gifts he had given me, a photo of him, little trinkets that reminded me of him. I did this because, like so many children, I loved him even though I hated what he did to me. A few days later I went to his funeral. I saw him in his casket, a memory etched in my mind forever, a grown man clutching a stuffed Mickey Mouse. I saw his mother and grandmother there, devastated in their grief, sobbing. I heard the pastor of his church talk about how involved he was in his church, how he played the organ. “He was such a good boy” he said. I remember my parents noticing how hard I was taking it, and I got the sense that they wondered why I was taking it so hard. I stayed silent. It would be another 6 years before I told anyone that he had abused me. It would be 15 years before I told my family or a therapist.
As an adult, when I have told this story, people often respond with some semblance of “That must’ve been a relief”, or “he got what he deserved”, or that they are glad he was killed, as if that was some happy ending that wiped the slate clean. In truth, his death was just another hurt, another thing to feel responsible for, another reason to stay silent. So, I often leave his murder out of my story out, when I share that I was sexually abused.
When abusers die, whether by accident, illness, suicide, or some other reason, it’s very complicated for survivors. There is sadness, despair, anger, relief, guilt, shame. If a victim hasn’t disclosed, there is also intense loneliness, and an even deeper drive to keep it a secret. Victims worry that they won’t be believed that they will be responsible for hurting the remaining loved ones, for tarnishing the reputation of the dead. The community will reinforce these beliefs by posting support for the offender. Victims may even feel that the death is their fault. It’s important to remember that the abuser is responsible for ALL of that hurt.
My hope for survivors of abusers who have died is that you can tell someone you trust, someone who will support and believe you, and if you don’t have someone like that in your life, you can reach out to a center like Julie Valentine Center and get support. It’s ok to feel complicated ambivalent feelings when your abuser dies, and you don’t have to be alone with that. You are not responsible for their death or the hurt they leave behind, and you are not responsible for their reputation.
With hope for healing,
Kim Ponce, MS, NCC, LPC
CAC and Clinical Director
Julie Valentine Center
Kim is a survivor whose experience informs her work with child and adult victims and their families. Kim has more than 21 years of experience specializing in trauma work. She is inspired by survivors’ ability to take make meaning and find purpose in their lives in-spite of the trauma they may have experienced.
I was 13 when the man who had been sexually abusing me was murdered. I remember the shock and the complex emotions and thoughts upon learning of his death. I was sad, relieved, guilty for feeling relieved, and because he still had so much power over me, I remember thinking that somehow, I was responsible for him being murdered. In my child mind, I thought he was murdered out of some Godly vengeance, or karmic justice, punishment for what he did to me. Because he had done such a thorough job grooming me for his abuse, I thought that the abuse was my fault too. I thought if I hadn’t existed, he never would have done that. When he was abusing me, he would reiterate my responsibility. He told me I was special; I was the only one he did that with, no one would understand “what we have is love”. As a child, and it’s hard to explain this kind of confusion in words, but the best way I can explain it is that part of me believed this and part of me knew this was a lie. As an adult I understand that this was just a part of his manipulation to keep me quiet and to ensure he could continue the abuse.
My father picked me up from school on a cold January afternoon to tell me he had been murdered the day before. I remember it was David Bowie’s birthday, my favorite singer; yet another happy occasion that he stole from me. My Dad shared the news in a supportive and child-friendly way, he was gentle and answered my questions. My Dad knew how much I cared for him, how he went out of his way to play with me and spend time with me, how much I adored him. He had no idea that he had been molesting me since I was 9.
That night I decided to make a keepsake box, filled with treasured memories of the person who abused me, small gifts he had given me, a photo of him, little trinkets that reminded me of him. I did this because, like so many children, I loved him even though I hated what he did to me. A few days later I went to his funeral. I saw him in his casket, a memory etched in my mind forever, a grown man clutching a stuffed Mickey Mouse. I saw his mother and grandmother there, devastated in their grief, sobbing. I heard the pastor of his church talk about how involved he was in his church, how he played the organ. “He was such a good boy” he said. I remember my parents noticing how hard I was taking it, and I got the sense that they wondered why I was taking it so hard. I stayed silent. It would be another 6 years before I told anyone that he had abused me. It would be 15 years before I told my family or a therapist.
As an adult, when I have told this story, people often respond with some semblance of “That must’ve been a relief”, or “he got what he deserved”, or that they are glad he was killed, as if that was some happy ending that wiped the slate clean. In truth, his death was just another hurt, another thing to feel responsible for, another reason to stay silent. So, I often leave his murder out of my story out, when I share that I was sexually abused.
When abusers die, whether by accident, illness, suicide, or some other reason, it’s very complicated for survivors. There is sadness, despair, anger, relief, guilt, shame. If a victim hasn’t disclosed, there is also intense loneliness, and an even deeper drive to keep it a secret. Victims worry that they won’t be believed that they will be responsible for hurting the remaining loved ones, for tarnishing the reputation of the dead. The community will reinforce these beliefs by posting support for the offender. Victims may even feel that the death is their fault. It’s important to remember that the abuser is responsible for ALL of that hurt.
My hope for survivors of abusers who have died is that you can tell someone you trust, someone who will support and believe you, and if you don’t have someone like that in your life, you can reach out to a center like Julie Valentine Center and get support. It’s ok to feel complicated ambivalent feelings when your abuser dies, and you don’t have to be alone with that. You are not responsible for their death or the hurt they leave behind, and you are not responsible for their reputation.
With hope for healing,
Kim Ponce, MS, NCC, LPC
CAC and Clinical Director
Julie Valentine Center
Kim is a survivor whose experience informs her work with child and adult victims and their families. Kim has more than 21 years of experience specializing in trauma work. She is inspired by survivors’ ability to take make meaning and find purpose in their lives in-spite of the trauma they may have experienced.
SANE Panel Discussion About Trauma Informed Care For Sexual Assault Survivors
What Can We Do to Protect Ourselves from Sexual Assault?
From the CEO's Desk
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Yesterday, as I prepared for an interview with WYFF’s Jane Robelot about a recent kidnapping and sexual assault in our community, I thought about how important it is to take these opportunities to educate our community about sexual assault and to shed light on the realities of this crime and its impact on our community. This particular case took place in broad daylight. The victim did not know the offender and was kidnapped, physically and sexually assaulted, and returned to the scene of the kidnapping. Just days later, the alleged suspect is in custody. This is what most people think of when they think of sexual assault, and when this becomes a reality and no longer the fictional account often portrayed in movies and TV, everyone is on high alert. The reality is that sexual assault is happening every day in our own backyards, our churches, our schools, our workplaces and most offenders are known to the victim. Not only are most offenders known to the victim, but they are often known, loved, and trusted by the victim and others in the community. Stranger assaults are the rarity. 8 out of 10 sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim (RAINN). We also know that many victims never disclose their assault, much less report it. Statistically, only 1 out of every 1000 suspected rape perpetrators are referred to prosecutors (RAINN).
When the public hears about a case like this one, everyone wants to know “What can we do to protect ourselves and keep ourselves safe?” The reality is that you can do everything “right” and still be sexually assaulted. We check our surroundings. We go out in pairs or groups rather than alone. We look under our cars before we get in. We check the back seat to be sure that it’s still empty. We take out our keys on the way to the car, and may hold them between our fingers just in case we need to use them as a weapon to protect ourselves. We park in well-lit areas when we go out at night. We keep a close eye on our drinks to ensure that no one puts anything in there. We do all the things that we think will keep us safe to avoid being sexually assaulted, and yet sexual assault still happens. I’m not discouraging anyone from doing all the things I just mentioned, but notice that each of these things listed above puts the responsibility on the individual to keep themselves safe, rather than focusing on the offenders who are responsible for sexual abuse. We have been conditioned to believe that we have the responsibility to keep ourselves safe rather than focusing on keeping rapists from raping. In many ways we are created a false sense of security from the real threats to our safety. The victim in this case spoke at the bond hearing and said, ““We don’t want to see anyone else go through such a traumatic experience full of so much aggression and brutality," she told the judge. "I think we’re here to honor our community and find a voice for those who, perhaps haven’t had the opportunity or were unable to express themselves in this type of situation.” (WYFF) What incredible courage to stand before the judge and the suspect in the case just days after being brutally physically and sexually assaulted and to speak up for other survivors. Using her platform to help others and to give voice to the voiceless. She is using her own experience to let others know that they are not alone. She is speaking up for those who may not have the opportunity to do so. The reality is, in so many cases of sexual assault, even when victims report and speak out, their cases do not result in a day in court, a trial, or accountability for the offender. April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Child Abuse Prevention Month. During this month we will increase our efforts to raise awareness and education in our community and answer the question, “What can we do to protect ourselves, our children, our friends, our family members, our community from child abuse and sexual assault?” I challenge each of you to do the following not only during the month of April, but throughout the entire year.
Together we can end child abuse and sexual assault in our community. With gratitude, Shauna Galloway-Williams, CEO |
Thank You from Julie Valentine Center
From the CEO's Desk
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This year's Julie Valentine Day looked very different from the the past 10 years and yet we still felt the love and support of our community coming together to stand with survivors by supporting Julie Valentine Center. 26 sponsors plus 820 donors raising over $217,000 made for a very Happy Julie Valentine Day and made the Julie Valentine Center Journey of Hope and Healing a huge success!
This event was truly a team effort and we would like to thank all of those who made this event possible. We are incredibly grateful for the Castellani Family and their continuing support as our presenting sponsor for the 10th year in a row. Thanks to the 25 additional sponsors who made this year's event a success and contributed over $96,000 to help reach our goal. Thank you to Jaycee Lee Dugard for sharing her courageous and inspiring story of hope and healing. Jaycee's message encouraged us all to live each day to the fullest and to never lose hope. Thanks to our amazing events team -Kristin Decker, Christy Sauls Medford, and AVLSolutions- for producing a flawless event. Special thanks to Jane Robelot of WYFF News 4 for emceeing this years event with passion and dedication to the work of Julie Valentine Center. On behalf of the Julie Valentine Center Team, the Julie Valentine Center Board of Directors, and the survivors we serve, THANK YOU! We are still working to reach our goal of $300,000. There is still time to donate and watch the full virtual event here. You can also text to give by texting VALENTINE to 50155. Thank you for being a part of the journey of hope and healing for so many in our community. Together we are making a difference and creating a safer community for all. With gratitude, Shauna Galloway-Williams, CEO 
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Julie Valentine Journey of Hope and Healing 2021 Sponsors
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JVC_2021_VirtualPromo from AVL Solutions on Vimeo. |
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Three weeks from today we will host the Julie Valentine Journey of Hope and Healing: A Virtual Fundraiser presented by the Castellani Family. Although the event will look different this year, we guarantee an hour that will leave you feeling inspired and full of hope. Jaycee Dugard will not only share her inspirational story of freedom and survival, but will also participate in an audience Q&A. We are excited to announce that our sponsor, Table 301, has created their version of the “TD Salad” that you can order here for pick- up or delivery (for groups of 10 or more) and JVC will receive a percentage of the sale. We have had many questions about what the event will look like, how to order tickets, and how to donate. We have created a short video that gives a sneak-peak into the event space and walks you through how to order your tickets, how to make donations, create a personal fundraising page, and help us to reach our fundraising goal of $300,000. Once you have ordered your ticket, you will receive a link for the event during the week of the event. Accessing the live event will be as easy as clicking on the link to join. We encourage you to share the information about the event with your family and friends near and far. One of the gifts of the virtual event is that anyone can participate from anywhere. We know that now, more than ever, we all need connection with others. We offer this event as an opportunity to connect with others who believe there is power in coming together for a common cause and share our hope for a future free of child abuse and sexual assault. I hope to see you on February 12th at noon for an hour of hope, healing, and inspiration.
With gratitude, Shauna Galloway-Williams, CEO |
January Featured Commentary
From The CEO's Desk
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As we close the door on 2020 and begin the journey into 2021, I am filled with hopeful optimism and gratitude. Not only did Julie Valentine Center survive 2020, we thrived in 2020. As we look to the future and plan for the year ahead, I am inspired by victims and survivors we serve and our community of supporters who continue to make it possible.
We will kick off 2021 with our 11th Annual Julie Valentine Center Journey of Hope and Healing event on February 12. This year’s event will look very different from previous years. We will not be gathering together with more than 1000 supporters in the same room to celebrate Julie Valentine Day. I will miss seeing all of our friends, family, and community in person that day. I will miss the energy and excitement that fills the room. I will miss the hugs, handshakes, and photo ops. But if I learned anything in 2020, it is the art of coming together when we are still apart. I know that we will not be in the same room on Julie Valentine Day 2021, but we will be together and that is what matters most. I know that many of you are making plans and resolutions for the New Year and I hope that celebrating Julie Valentine Day with us is among them. Here are a few suggestions for ways to get involved with the Journey of Hope and Healing that will ensure that the spirit and energy of Julie Valentine Day spreads far and near in 2021. Register for the event. Join us on February 12, 2021 at noon. You can register for the event online here. Share the event with others. One of the gifts of hosting the event virtually is that anyone, anywhere can participate. Attendees are no longer limited by travel and distance. Invite your friends and family from near and far to participate in the event with us this year. Read Jaycee Dugard’s books. In A Stolen Life: A Memoir, Jaycee shares her painful, inspiring story of her survival while being held captive for 19 years of her life. The story is a powerful reminder of the resilience of the human spirit in the face of trauma. In Freedom: My Book of Firsts, Jaycee gives us a first-hand look at her life after captivity as she experiences many “firsts” that she missed. It is an incredible reminder to slow down and enjoy the gifts of everyday living that we often take for granted. Create a personal fundraising page. For the first time, you can create your own personal fundraising page to raise money for Julie Valentine Center. Once you have registered at the link above, you can create your own personal fundraising page. Our goal is to raise $300,000 this year. This is an ambitious goal that we know we can reach with your support. Create a watch party. We encourage you to gather safely with friends and family to watch the event in- person and/ or virtually. This event is all about coming together to support one another and we hope that you take it as an opportunity to share the love and support that Julie Valentine Day is all about. Thank you for your continued support and for working with us to create a safer community for all. With gratitude, Shauna Galloway-Williams, CEO |
December Featured Commentary
From the CEO's Desk:
We Can Do Hard Things
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My mantra for 2020 has been, “We can do hard things” (Special thanks to Author Glennon Doyle). These 5 simple words have pushed me beyond what I thought were my limits this year. Just when I thought a goal was beyond my reach, “We can do hard things.” When it seemed like all hope was lost, “We can do hard things.” When we were faced with how to continue to support survivors during a public health crisis and budget cut after budget cut, “We can do hard things.”
We challenged ourselves. We questioned ourselves. We learned how to overcome obstacles. We let ourselves be ok with not being ok. We learned how to come together while staying apart. We made tough choices. We supported each other. We experienced loss and grief. We celebrated successes, no matter how small. As 2020 comes to a close, I can’t help but think that we will look back on this year as one of the years when we achieved some of our greatest accomplishments. If for no other reason than the fact that it was one of the years we survived some of our greatest challenges. We will look back and know that we did hard things and that we can do hard things in the future. We have weathered the storm of 2020 with the support of our incredible team, our committed board of directors, our dedicated community partners, our hard working volunteers, and our generous donors and supporters. Together, we have done great things and will enter into 2021 with renewed energy and appreciation. Happy Holidays and Best Wishes for a Joyful New Year! With gratitude, Shauna Galloway-Williams, CEO |
November Featured Commentary
Thanksgiving week is one of my favorite weeks of the year. I love to sit back and look at the year in retrospect to appreciate all of the gifts that the year has given. As I look back at 2020, it would be easy to fall into the trap of noting all of the challenges and focusing on all of the missed events, fundraisers, concerts, and family gatherings. Sometimes it takes the loss, the grief, the challenge, to truly force us to appreciate what has been right in front of us the whole time.
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Julie Valentine Center CAC Director
Kim Ponce
In this time of #SavetheChildren and frightening news stories about sex trafficking, keep at the forefront of our minds that most people who sexually abuse and exploit children are family members or loved and trusted people known to the victim and family. Over the years, I have sat with countless parents and grandparents stunned by the betrayal of a loved one, families shattered, and relationships fragmented in ways that will never be the same. Over and over I hear a familiar refrain, “I just can’t believe he would do this”, “There was nothing, no signs”, and “But my child really liked him”. After participating in our Protective Caregiver or SAFE Families group, this refrain often takes on another theme. “Now that I think about it there were times I felt something was off.” “I see now that my child had some of the symptoms of abuse but I discounted it as typical teenage stuff.” Some parents offer more specific accounts, “I just had a gut feeling one night when my husband was on the computer and shut it down quickly. I got on later and images of teen pornography popped up on the screen, but I explained it away. I didn’t want to believe that my husband would look at that.” These are the lingering thoughts of parents whose child was sexually abused “right in my own house.”
In his books “Protecting the Gift” and “The Gift of Fear” Gavin DeBecker speaks of the human tendency to explain away our intuition. He notes that no other species does this. In the animal world, intuition is vital for survival. In human nature, intuition is equally vital in parenting and protecting children. Sleep deprived, we hear the thud of our toddler in the next room and intuitively we awaken and jump out of bed to check on them. That same intuition allows us to sleep soundly beside a snoring spouse or the known creaks of the house. It filters- this is dangerous, this is not. Our intuition learns and adapts to the feedback we provide, and our children learn from our feedback too.
“Hug grandpa.” “Give Mrs. Jones a kiss.” Statements we might say when a child recoils and reacts shyly to a relative or neighbor. DeBecker explains, this teaches a child to ignore their intuition in favor of pleasing another person. This is a dangerous message. We would never actually say to our child that it is better to be uncomfortable or harmed than to offend someone, but that is the message we send.
Though children have some degree of intuition, they don’t have the same intuitive abilities as adults, especially mothers. Anyone who has watched their baby pick up literally anything and put it in their mouth, or their 8-year old careen toward the road to retrieve a ball not looking both ways, knows that child intuition needs adult intervention! A child relies on our parent intuition as their defense.
Offenders on the other hand, rely on our trust as their defense. Denial pumps the breaks on our intuition and says hold on, don’t get carried away and overreact, there must be a rational explanation for this concern. Denial seeks to undermine our intuition, and we often mislabel it as trust. A parent has an intuition that something isn’t right and then attempts to deny it to align with what they believe about their loved one. “Uncle Brian could never do that.” Denial serves to protect parents from evidence of an unfathomable reality. Gavin DeBecker explains that we can recognize denial by telltale signs: rationalization, justification, minimization, excuse-making, and refusal. When we respond to our intuition with one of these tactics we should be on high alert. He recommends asking “What am I choosing not to see here?”
As an adult I told my father about being sexually abused by someone close to him. He reacted with the common denial tactics that parents experience. “But you liked him so much and you wanted to spend time with him.” “You weren’t scared of him.” “I thought he just related more to children because of his interests.” “He had a childlike spirit and just seemed more comfortable with children than other adults.” All of these things were true and served as rationalizations my father told himself about why
this adult spent so much time with me. They were also all signs of an offender. Over time my dad said to me, “It did seem weird at first, how close you were to him, like I just had a feeling there was something not right.” He remembered feeling a bit sorry for him due to his social awkwardness. Empathy and compassion are other ways offenders manipulate well-meaning parents out of trusting their gut.
I don’t blame my dad for the abuse, I know he blames himself and it is still a painful thing for him to talk about. He is a loving father and we have always had a close bond. I share this story to hopefully prevent another parent from carrying the weight of self-blame and hindsight that he and so many other parents carry. Parents, pay attention to your intuition, and then act on it rather than against it. Educate yourselves on grooming dynamics that offenders use, to understand that offenders groom not just children, but parents too. If you have a friend who is a parent that has experienced this in their family, support them and listen to their experiences. Identifying offenders and holding them accountable is vital. When you are looking to do so, pay the most attention to adults and other children closest to your child: family members, friends, those tasked with educating and coaching our children. Also attend to your intuition regarding other children and teens around your child, (who account for 30% of sexual abuse on other children). Reach out to your local Children’s Advocacy Center, such as Julie Valentine Center, National Resources, such as Zero Abuse Project, for recommendations on ways to talk to your child about sexual abuse and have these conversations with them at different developmental stages in childhood. The majority of offenders are close to the child’s family or in the child’s home, not Hollywood.
Kim Ponce, MS, NCC, LPCA
CAC Director
Julie Valentine Center
In his books “Protecting the Gift” and “The Gift of Fear” Gavin DeBecker speaks of the human tendency to explain away our intuition. He notes that no other species does this. In the animal world, intuition is vital for survival. In human nature, intuition is equally vital in parenting and protecting children. Sleep deprived, we hear the thud of our toddler in the next room and intuitively we awaken and jump out of bed to check on them. That same intuition allows us to sleep soundly beside a snoring spouse or the known creaks of the house. It filters- this is dangerous, this is not. Our intuition learns and adapts to the feedback we provide, and our children learn from our feedback too.
“Hug grandpa.” “Give Mrs. Jones a kiss.” Statements we might say when a child recoils and reacts shyly to a relative or neighbor. DeBecker explains, this teaches a child to ignore their intuition in favor of pleasing another person. This is a dangerous message. We would never actually say to our child that it is better to be uncomfortable or harmed than to offend someone, but that is the message we send.
Though children have some degree of intuition, they don’t have the same intuitive abilities as adults, especially mothers. Anyone who has watched their baby pick up literally anything and put it in their mouth, or their 8-year old careen toward the road to retrieve a ball not looking both ways, knows that child intuition needs adult intervention! A child relies on our parent intuition as their defense.
Offenders on the other hand, rely on our trust as their defense. Denial pumps the breaks on our intuition and says hold on, don’t get carried away and overreact, there must be a rational explanation for this concern. Denial seeks to undermine our intuition, and we often mislabel it as trust. A parent has an intuition that something isn’t right and then attempts to deny it to align with what they believe about their loved one. “Uncle Brian could never do that.” Denial serves to protect parents from evidence of an unfathomable reality. Gavin DeBecker explains that we can recognize denial by telltale signs: rationalization, justification, minimization, excuse-making, and refusal. When we respond to our intuition with one of these tactics we should be on high alert. He recommends asking “What am I choosing not to see here?”
As an adult I told my father about being sexually abused by someone close to him. He reacted with the common denial tactics that parents experience. “But you liked him so much and you wanted to spend time with him.” “You weren’t scared of him.” “I thought he just related more to children because of his interests.” “He had a childlike spirit and just seemed more comfortable with children than other adults.” All of these things were true and served as rationalizations my father told himself about why
this adult spent so much time with me. They were also all signs of an offender. Over time my dad said to me, “It did seem weird at first, how close you were to him, like I just had a feeling there was something not right.” He remembered feeling a bit sorry for him due to his social awkwardness. Empathy and compassion are other ways offenders manipulate well-meaning parents out of trusting their gut.
I don’t blame my dad for the abuse, I know he blames himself and it is still a painful thing for him to talk about. He is a loving father and we have always had a close bond. I share this story to hopefully prevent another parent from carrying the weight of self-blame and hindsight that he and so many other parents carry. Parents, pay attention to your intuition, and then act on it rather than against it. Educate yourselves on grooming dynamics that offenders use, to understand that offenders groom not just children, but parents too. If you have a friend who is a parent that has experienced this in their family, support them and listen to their experiences. Identifying offenders and holding them accountable is vital. When you are looking to do so, pay the most attention to adults and other children closest to your child: family members, friends, those tasked with educating and coaching our children. Also attend to your intuition regarding other children and teens around your child, (who account for 30% of sexual abuse on other children). Reach out to your local Children’s Advocacy Center, such as Julie Valentine Center, National Resources, such as Zero Abuse Project, for recommendations on ways to talk to your child about sexual abuse and have these conversations with them at different developmental stages in childhood. The majority of offenders are close to the child’s family or in the child’s home, not Hollywood.
Kim Ponce, MS, NCC, LPCA
CAC Director
Julie Valentine Center
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Run2Overcome
Thanks to your generous giving, we raised $81,000 for the 12th annual Julie Valentine Center Run2Overcome 5k/10K virtual challenge presented by
The Haro Group at Keller Williams Historic District!
YOU surpassed our $75,000 goal! We are beyond grateful. Thank you!
Here are some additional runner and walker pictures! Some from Ohio, some from West Virginia, some at night as a candlelight vigil in honor of JVC clients and coworkers, some at the crack of dawn, some on flat roads, some in the mountains, some as a group, some alone, some survivors, some JVC staff, some current and former JVC board members, some old friends, some new friends. All united for the same cause- to join with Julie Valentine Center to end child abuse and sexual violence!
From the bottom of our hearts, thank you!
The Haro Group at Keller Williams Historic District!
YOU surpassed our $75,000 goal! We are beyond grateful. Thank you!
Here are some additional runner and walker pictures! Some from Ohio, some from West Virginia, some at night as a candlelight vigil in honor of JVC clients and coworkers, some at the crack of dawn, some on flat roads, some in the mountains, some as a group, some alone, some survivors, some JVC staff, some current and former JVC board members, some old friends, some new friends. All united for the same cause- to join with Julie Valentine Center to end child abuse and sexual violence!
From the bottom of our hearts, thank you!
2020 Run2Overcome T-Shirt Pick-up at Fleet Feet - Thank you to all of our amazing volunteers!
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Pie Time!
Participants got creative this year with fundraising ideas! Jenna, challenged our Executive Director, Shauna to a fundraising challenge. First person to get to $1000 gets to pie the other person! Between the two of them they raised over $2500 and Jenna raised $1000 first! As promised, Shauna and Jenna ended their run today with some pie! Thanks Shauna for being a great sport!
Participants got creative this year with fundraising ideas! Jenna, challenged our Executive Director, Shauna to a fundraising challenge. First person to get to $1000 gets to pie the other person! Between the two of them they raised over $2500 and Jenna raised $1000 first! As promised, Shauna and Jenna ended their run today with some pie! Thanks Shauna for being a great sport!
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Kira Hendricks is a hero! She is leading the way and giving back by sharing her story and challenging herself and others to be a part of the fight to end sexual assault. As she says in this powerful interview, “You are making a difference in someone’s life that you will never meet, but at least you are saying to them, Hey, you are important to me. I don’t know you, but I love you.” Join Kira in supporting JVC by registering for and donating to
Run2Overcome 5k/10k Virtual Challenge
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Run2Overcome 5k/10k Virtual Challenge
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June Featured Commentary
Julie Valentine Center Crisis Director
Jamika Nedwards
Jamika Nedwards
Our Country is experiencing unprecedented times. The pandemic and civil unrest has cast us all into a territory that is unfamiliar, anxiety- provoking, and fearful because we do not know what the future holds. The issues of systemic and institutional racism are not new topics but they have been thrown into the forefront of society these last few weeks. Many people may see the issues of systemic/institutional racism and sexual assault as separate however, these issues intersect in many ways especially for Black Women. The same attitudes and behaviors that allow sexual assault to happen are the same attitudes and behaviors that are rooted in colonialism, racism, sexism and many others.
Black women have experienced the dangerous intersection of colonialism, racism, and sexism for centuries. Sexual assaults routinely go unreported and under-addressed in the Black community. “Over eighteen percent of Black women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime (Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault). This percentage only represents the number of women who report their abuse. In order to address the issue of sexual assault, it is imperative that we look at how colonialism and racism created unique barriers for Black sexual assault survivors.
Colonialism is the “control of one power over a dependent area or people (Blakemore, 2019)”. It often included exploiting the native people for economic control and gain while forcing their culture on everyone under its control. The exploitation did not stop at economic gain but often included the exploitation of Women’s bodies in violent ways. “In the colonial worldview, only “clean” and “pure” bodies deserved to be protected from violence... Violence done to “dirty” or “impure” bodies simply does not count as violence (Blakemore, 2019)”. Native women were seen as dirty, undeserving of protection and therefore rapeable. Colonizers used sexual assault to kill and control the native population. Eventually labor demands had grown and the colonizers uprooted more native communities to expand their farmlands. Landowners were looking increasingly to African laborers to do the work, since their lower death rates made them more valuable and more permanent than temporary indentures. They responded to labor demands by purchasing and kidnapping more African people. The concept of using violence to control and oppress people was racialized and extended to slaves when they were brought to this country. (Kendi, 2016)
“White slave owners used rape to reproduce an exploitable labor force. In 1662 colonizers added a law that stated “all children borne in this country” derived their status from “the condition of the mother”. “With this law in place, White slave-owners could now reap financial reward” from sexually assaulting Black Women (Billings, 2007). Children of Black slave women inherited their slave status, so it was economically profitable to systemically rape Black women to reproduce their slave labor. Black women were seen as property of their slave-owners, so their “rape at the hands of these men did not count” (Blakemore, 2019). “The myth that Black women were vessels for sexual desire were used to justify enslavement, rape, forced reproduction, and other forms of sexual coercion. The function of these processes were to further dehumanize women of color, making it “culturally acceptable” to abuse Black women and other women of color (Black women and Sexual Violence)”. During this time, Black women were also assigned labels to justify dehumanizing and sexually assaulting them. Black women were viewed as the “Mammy”, the unattractive, asexual women who was only good to take care of the needs of the slave master, his family and home. “The image was constructed to justify the presence of house servants and, later, domestic workers in the homes of White people (Racism and Sexual Violence)”. You see this today in the Aunt Jemima images that are used on some popular brands. You also see this today within the service industry. “In the U.S. workforce, blacks are disproportionately represented in low-paying service jobs like cashiers, call center employees and food service workers compared to higher-status jobs (Gradney)”. The implication of this image is that the “Mammy” was only good to serve other’s needs and could not be sexually assaulted. She was not sexually desirable and therefore if she reported being assaulted, she was lying. The next common label was “Jezebel”, this label viewed Black women as promiscuous and always willing to have sex. “This image was used to justify the systematic rape of Black women during slave passage to the Americas and by White slave-owners (Racism and Sexual Violence)”. Black women who had this label put upon them were perceived to want sex and so it was impossible to rape them. You see this stereotype today in the “adultification” of black girls. Blacks girls are seen as needing less nurturing, being more sexual or flirtatious (i.e. being fast), and being more independent and needing less protection. The last common stereotype was “Sapphire”, this label saw Black women as loud, combative, and angry. We see this now with the stereotype “angry Black women”. This image has been used to justify sexual violence and police brutality against women as a way to punish them. Time and again we see these stereotypical representations of Black women played out in media coverage and public commentary about people of color who are victimized in any way, especially sexual (Racism and Sexual Violence). These societal messages and images perpetuate the subconscious biases, covert and overt prejudices, discrimination and racism that we see in our society today.
Black women have a unique history of racial and social injustices that lead to higher rates of victimization and increased challenges in reporting and seeking healing after an assault. To address the barriers that Women of Color experience, specifically Black women, we all need to understand the intersectionality of racism, sexism, colonialism and sexual assault. Remedies for ending sexual assault will have to include dismantling racism, ending systemic oppression and looking to create equality and equity for all. We all have a vital role to play in tackling these injustices. Our society is seeing a necessary change take place and these issues can no longer function as our normal way of life.
Bibliography
Billings, W. M. (2007). The Old Dominion in the Seventeenth Century: A Documentary History of Virginia, 1606-1689. Chapel Hill: University of North Carolina Press; Revised edition.
Black women and Sexual Violence. (n.d.). Retrieved from National Organization for Women: https://now.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Black-Women-and-Sexual-Violence-6.pdf
Blakemore, E. (2019, February 19). What is Colonialism? Retrieved from National Geographic: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/topics/reference/colonialism/#close
Gradney, A. (n.d.). Black Employees in the Service Industry Pay an Emotional Tax At Work. Retrieved from The Conversation: https://theconversation.com/black-employees-in-the-service-industry-pay-an-emotional-tax-at-work-94002
Kendi, I. X. (2016). Stamped From the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America. New York: Nation Books.
Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault. (n.d.). African American Women and Sexual Assault Fact Sheet. Retrieved from Maryland Coalition Against
Sexual Assault: https://mcasa.org/assets/files/African-American-Women-and-Sexual-Assault1.pdf
Racism and Sexual Violence. (n.d.). Retrieved from Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape: https://pcar.org/resource/racism-sexual-violence-whats-connection-1
Black women have experienced the dangerous intersection of colonialism, racism, and sexism for centuries. Sexual assaults routinely go unreported and under-addressed in the Black community. “Over eighteen percent of Black women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime (Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault). This percentage only represents the number of women who report their abuse. In order to address the issue of sexual assault, it is imperative that we look at how colonialism and racism created unique barriers for Black sexual assault survivors.
Colonialism is the “control of one power over a dependent area or people (Blakemore, 2019)”. It often included exploiting the native people for economic control and gain while forcing their culture on everyone under its control. The exploitation did not stop at economic gain but often included the exploitation of Women’s bodies in violent ways. “In the colonial worldview, only “clean” and “pure” bodies deserved to be protected from violence... Violence done to “dirty” or “impure” bodies simply does not count as violence (Blakemore, 2019)”. Native women were seen as dirty, undeserving of protection and therefore rapeable. Colonizers used sexual assault to kill and control the native population. Eventually labor demands had grown and the colonizers uprooted more native communities to expand their farmlands. Landowners were looking increasingly to African laborers to do the work, since their lower death rates made them more valuable and more permanent than temporary indentures. They responded to labor demands by purchasing and kidnapping more African people. The concept of using violence to control and oppress people was racialized and extended to slaves when they were brought to this country. (Kendi, 2016)
“White slave owners used rape to reproduce an exploitable labor force. In 1662 colonizers added a law that stated “all children borne in this country” derived their status from “the condition of the mother”. “With this law in place, White slave-owners could now reap financial reward” from sexually assaulting Black Women (Billings, 2007). Children of Black slave women inherited their slave status, so it was economically profitable to systemically rape Black women to reproduce their slave labor. Black women were seen as property of their slave-owners, so their “rape at the hands of these men did not count” (Blakemore, 2019). “The myth that Black women were vessels for sexual desire were used to justify enslavement, rape, forced reproduction, and other forms of sexual coercion. The function of these processes were to further dehumanize women of color, making it “culturally acceptable” to abuse Black women and other women of color (Black women and Sexual Violence)”. During this time, Black women were also assigned labels to justify dehumanizing and sexually assaulting them. Black women were viewed as the “Mammy”, the unattractive, asexual women who was only good to take care of the needs of the slave master, his family and home. “The image was constructed to justify the presence of house servants and, later, domestic workers in the homes of White people (Racism and Sexual Violence)”. You see this today in the Aunt Jemima images that are used on some popular brands. You also see this today within the service industry. “In the U.S. workforce, blacks are disproportionately represented in low-paying service jobs like cashiers, call center employees and food service workers compared to higher-status jobs (Gradney)”. The implication of this image is that the “Mammy” was only good to serve other’s needs and could not be sexually assaulted. She was not sexually desirable and therefore if she reported being assaulted, she was lying. The next common label was “Jezebel”, this label viewed Black women as promiscuous and always willing to have sex. “This image was used to justify the systematic rape of Black women during slave passage to the Americas and by White slave-owners (Racism and Sexual Violence)”. Black women who had this label put upon them were perceived to want sex and so it was impossible to rape them. You see this stereotype today in the “adultification” of black girls. Blacks girls are seen as needing less nurturing, being more sexual or flirtatious (i.e. being fast), and being more independent and needing less protection. The last common stereotype was “Sapphire”, this label saw Black women as loud, combative, and angry. We see this now with the stereotype “angry Black women”. This image has been used to justify sexual violence and police brutality against women as a way to punish them. Time and again we see these stereotypical representations of Black women played out in media coverage and public commentary about people of color who are victimized in any way, especially sexual (Racism and Sexual Violence). These societal messages and images perpetuate the subconscious biases, covert and overt prejudices, discrimination and racism that we see in our society today.
Black women have a unique history of racial and social injustices that lead to higher rates of victimization and increased challenges in reporting and seeking healing after an assault. To address the barriers that Women of Color experience, specifically Black women, we all need to understand the intersectionality of racism, sexism, colonialism and sexual assault. Remedies for ending sexual assault will have to include dismantling racism, ending systemic oppression and looking to create equality and equity for all. We all have a vital role to play in tackling these injustices. Our society is seeing a necessary change take place and these issues can no longer function as our normal way of life.
Bibliography
Billings, W. M. (2007). The Old Dominion in the Seventeenth Century: A Documentary History of Virginia, 1606-1689. Chapel Hill: University of North Carolina Press; Revised edition.
Black women and Sexual Violence. (n.d.). Retrieved from National Organization for Women: https://now.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Black-Women-and-Sexual-Violence-6.pdf
Blakemore, E. (2019, February 19). What is Colonialism? Retrieved from National Geographic: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/topics/reference/colonialism/#close
Gradney, A. (n.d.). Black Employees in the Service Industry Pay an Emotional Tax At Work. Retrieved from The Conversation: https://theconversation.com/black-employees-in-the-service-industry-pay-an-emotional-tax-at-work-94002
Kendi, I. X. (2016). Stamped From the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America. New York: Nation Books.
Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault. (n.d.). African American Women and Sexual Assault Fact Sheet. Retrieved from Maryland Coalition Against
Sexual Assault: https://mcasa.org/assets/files/African-American-Women-and-Sexual-Assault1.pdf
Racism and Sexual Violence. (n.d.). Retrieved from Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape: https://pcar.org/resource/racism-sexual-violence-whats-connection-1
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WYFF CommUNITY Conversation: Jamika Nedwards, Julie Valentine Center
“Historically, the victimization of Black women has not been taken seriously.” - Jamika Nedwards
Watch this important conversation about the intersection of racism and rape culture.
Watch this important conversation about the intersection of racism and rape culture.
A huge thanks goes to Old South Trading Company for their generous donation of 1000 masks to keep our staff and community safe!
JVC Chaplain Reads
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JVC Highlighted Events
Mental Health Awareness Month
Sexual Assault can have short term and life-long impacts on an individual's mental health. Many survivors of sexual trauma experience flashbacks, feelings of shame, isolation, shock, confusion and guilt. Following an assault, survivors of sexual trauma have an increased risk of developing depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, substance use disorders, eating disorders, and anxiety. May is Mental Health Month and know that there are resources for those in need of support and care! |
Be kind to your mind! It's Mental Health Month and here are a few things to consider in doing a Mental Health Check! Right now things may feel out of control and scary, be sure to take extra time to care for yourself.
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Virtual Have a Heart Run
We want to thank all who joined us and participated in the Virtual Have a Heart Run to support the @julievalentinecenter during this time.
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We want to also thank @pintailcp for their amazing participation! Check out their fun team pictures below.
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Sidewalk Chalk Art Contest
We had a dozen entries in this great family-friendly activity! Winners will be contacted through our Instagram and Facebook Social Media sites. Thank you for showing Julie Valentine Center some love with your sidewalk/driveway/street art on social media.
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Pinwheels for Prevention
Sidewalk Art: Laura Thien
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In 2008, Prevent Child Abuse America introduced the pinwheel as the new national symbol for child abuse prevention through Pinwheels for Prevention®. What our research showed, and what our experiences since then have borne out, is that people respond to the pinwheel. By its very nature, the pinwheel connotes whimsy and childlike notions. In essence, it has come to serve as the physical embodiment, or reminder, of the great childhoods we want for all children.” Do something whimsical today to celebrate childhood! One great idea is to participate in the Have A Heart for JVC Sidewalk Art Contest that we announced. Show us your sidewalk/driveway/street art and tag Julie Valentine Center in a photo on social media (include name and age of artist). Winners will be selected at end-of-day Saturday (May 2nd) and receive a gift card of their choice. (Options include Greenville Zoo, Fandango, Chick-fil-A and more) |
Coping Skills and Techniques
En Español
Edith Surgan Victim Activist Award
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The Edith Surgan Victim Activist Award was established in 1984 to celebrate the life of Edith even while she was dying of cancer. Edith’s daughter Helen was murdered in New York in 1976. Thereafter she moved to New Mexico where she became a tireless advocate for legislative change and the establishment of victim services. She became a national force for establishing victim compensation laws, the passage of bills of rights for victims and the implementation of such legislation. Her last major speech was by telephone from a nursing home bed to the 1983 National Judicial Conference on Victim Rights that resulted in landmark recommendations for the judiciary on responding to victim issues. This award is given to victims or survivors who demonstrate a life of commitment after their victimization to promote rights and services that help change the lives of victims."
KC Cox is nothing short of a superhero and that is why it is no shock that he has been awarded The Edith Surgan Victim Activist Award. It has been a privilege to know and see KC grow in his activism. Not only does KC speak up for other survivors, he has been active in supporting the work of the Julie Valentine Center for years now. Anyone who comes into contact with KC recognizes his passion for creating an environment where survivors feel supported and believed. It is an honor to know you and we can't think of anyone more deserving of this award.
https://www.trynova.org/ncvrw/
KC Cox is nothing short of a superhero and that is why it is no shock that he has been awarded The Edith Surgan Victim Activist Award. It has been a privilege to know and see KC grow in his activism. Not only does KC speak up for other survivors, he has been active in supporting the work of the Julie Valentine Center for years now. Anyone who comes into contact with KC recognizes his passion for creating an environment where survivors feel supported and believed. It is an honor to know you and we can't think of anyone more deserving of this award.
https://www.trynova.org/ncvrw/
JVC Superheros
We would like to honor Ellen Kennedy, BSN, RN, SANE-A! Ellen is Prisma Health-Upstate's Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE) Coordinator and she has done an incredible job building the SANE program. She has worked tireless hours to build and train new SANE's and every single exam she walks into she carries compassion, care, and support. She makes our job as advocates seamless and easy. Thank you for being a superhero for our clients.
#JVCSAAM |
We want to take a moment to highlight someone who has worked very hard in Greenville and across the state of South Carolina to advocate for those who have experienced sexual violence.
Matt Moore of Matt Moore WYFF News 4 Investigates has been instrumental in the passage of rape kit reform in South Carolina. Thanks to his tireless efforts and in-depth research, he has educated the community and our legislature on the importance of rape kit reform for South Carolina with Chronicle, which featured front-line professionals, survivors, and experts in the field. Matt demonstrates a sensitivity to the complex issues associated with being a survivor of sexual assault as he worked with survivors who shared their stories. Matt is a true champion for our cause! #JVCSAAM |
Another Community Superhero that we would like to highlight is Evelyn Mitchell.
Evelyn, is a fierce survivor activist and advocate for sexual assault survivors in our community and State. She has dedicated herself to helping make positive change in the lives of sexual assault crime victims. Evelyn has been instrumental in advocating for rape kit reform in SC. She has testified before the House of Representatives and Senate to explain the needed change in South Carolina surrounding the handling of rape kits. Evelyn has spoken at regional conferences to share her courageous story of survival with the goal of helping other survivors and the professionals that serve them. Evelyn demonstrates an unrelenting commitment to promoting victims’ rights and services that help change the lives of victims all across our State. #JVCSAAM |
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Sgt. Robert Perry of the Specialized Investigations Division may not wear a cape but he certainly earns the title of Super Hero. Bob is a #JVCsuperhero because of his ability to remain calm and poised under pressure, making him an effective crisis leader and communicator. He is a voice of strength and reassurance to victims and colleagues. He leads by example, taking on difficult tasks that many leaders would delegate. He is also the best storyteller I know and brings much needed humor to our work! Bob, thank you for all that you do to protect the clients we serve!
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We honor Dr. Nancy Henderson with Prisma Health-Upstate. Children always come first in her decisions, even when it makes her job more difficult. She is innovative and always looking for ways to streamline care. She is a fierce advocate in addition to being a caring and knowledgeable child abuse pediatrician. Additionally, she has been incredible through this time of uncertainty. She has taken all the necessary steps to ensure that children can still be seen, and is pushing through a lot of hurdles to make sure cases aren’t dropped. She has been the doctor on call for the past eleven days straight. And she also sees clients at the Children's Advocacy Center of Spartanburg, Cherokee, and Union Counties . Thank you for all you do for the children of the Upstate Dr. Henderson!
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It is our last Wonder Woman Wednesday of Sexual Assault Awareness and Child Abuse Prevention Month and this particular day we are pleased to honor Kira Hendricks. Kira is a fierce advocate for our work and an amazing volunteer. Anyone who has been lucky enough to know her has experienced her infectious beautiful spirit. She is one of the most courageous people we know and we have had the privilege to hear her use her voice in some of the most challenging places.
Kira is a #JVCsuperhero because she is a fighter and has continued to support the work of the Julie Valentine Center. Thank you Kira for all that you do. |
JVC Volunteer Appreciation Week
The Julie Valentine Center depends on great volunteers. From advocating for victims to helping with simple service projects there are always opportunities to lend a helping hand. Without volunteers, our services could not exist.
Today we honor volunteer, Shannon Hansen. Shannon has been on the board since 2015 and is the current JVC board chair. She is always willing to serve and support and does so with professionalism and a positive attitude. One of Shannon’s most memorable contributions to JVC was her stellar performance at the 2016 Lip Sync Battle which helped us raise $30,000 for JVC. She has forged new partnerships and collaborations with community donors and supports.
Thank you Shannon for all you do to support Julie Valentine Center. |
Abbie Phillips is one AMAZING volunteer advocate. She has cumulatively logged over 3600 volunteer hours and has spent countless nights supporting clients on the hotline and in the emergency department. Abbie has been with the Julie Valentine Center since 2016 and has impacted countless lives, including ours. Her kindness, generosity, and commitment to this work is admirable and does not go unnoticed. We are pleased to honor Abbie today as an outstanding volunteer.
Thank you for your continued dedication and support. |
Bill and Carol Overman are two volunteers that the staff loves to work with. Bill and Carol always show up to help out in anyway they can to support the Julie Valentine Center. If you've been to one of our events or had the opportunity to work or volunteer beside them, Bill and Carol are unforgettable! The Overmans are always so willing to go above and beyond for others and brings enthusiasm and energy to every task they are given.
Thank you for your continued support, it is a treasure to know you! |
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In honor of Superhero Saturday, we want to recognize all of our JVC volunteers.
There is no way we could fit over 100 people in one picture or one post but know that we consider each of you to be #JVCSUPERHEROES. The Julie Valentine Center literally could not fight sexual assault and child sexual abuse without the support of our volunteers. We wouldn't sleep at night, wouldn't be able to serve our clients to the best of our ability, and would not continue to provide the quality care that we do. We recognize that our volunteers don't spend countless hours volunteering for the thanks or recognition but we have to thank you. Sincerely, from the bottom of our hearts we appreciate all of your work and dedication you give to all of our clients. We are so thankful to consider you as part of our JVC family. Thank you. |
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